And now, a word from our sponsor...

Every now and then, I figure I need to center on the purpose of this great enterprise - finding a job for Bob.

With a BS degree in Marketing and an AS in Business Administration, my work experience for nearly two decades had been tied to technology. I began with corporate sales of systems and software in 1990, moving into networking and large-scale systems sales for K-12 school systems on the west coast in 1994. In 1997, I became the creator and webmaster for the Burlington County Times - the first news website in South Jersey.

After getting the system up and running, I maintained a staff of four while moving to the next step - the creation of the regional news website, Phillyburbs.com. Phillyburbs incorporated my site and two other Calkins properties under one roof, which allowed us to use our man-hours more effectively; while the webmasters of the other two sites continued to maintain the site, I moved on to creating special content sections - the first news website in the country to create web-exclusive content.

Creating these sections required me to create the entirety of a site - from the shtml pages to the navigation design, graphics, includes, images and written content. These vertical sections initially outstripped the page views of the fledgling news site content by more than 200%, garnering reviews and kudos by the Newspaper Association of America, Yahoo Internet Life magazine and site reviewers from ten different countries. As the site grew to maturity, my vertical sections maintained a 20% share of total viewership during their release months.

In addition to my duties as special sections editor, I maintained a weekly column, daily blog, and handled the duties of both news and sports editor as needed.

It was fun while it lasted. Newspapers crumbled, and costs were cut - "No Heavy Lifting" became the watchword of the day, and a web-only content creator became a luxury Phillyburbs could no longer afford. They gathered their content from the news bullpen and free advertorial content, and I gathered unemployment.

With a decade of experience in online news, I've handled a variety of Content Management Systems,  Webtrends traffic analysis software, Search Engine Optimization, FTP (naturally), Adobe Creative Suite and Microsoft Office software. I have practical experience with Joomla, video editing, and design mockup. I can build computer systems from component parts, administer small networks, and troubleshoot software and hardware. I have degrees in Business Administration and Marketing.

Next week, I start work as a janitor, to attempt to keep a roof over my head.

Bob Needs Job. Tell your friends and HR people - $15 dollars an hour gets all this, and a $2.00 raise for me.

My other car is a shopping cart

On a recent expedition to fill the pantry one last time, I discovered that I had not entirely exhausted my mobile bum possibilities. America is a country on the go, and I see no reason why the more stylish homeless shouldn't have a dependable means of transport - let me introduce you to to the Lean, Green Bum Machine.

The XTI27 has a maximum speed of 4 MPH, and a range of 40 miles on a single charge. Just the thing for a run to Great Adventure; of course, it would be a leisurely 8-hour drive, but what good is bum-liness if you can't stop and smell the roses? With an MSRP of $2,400,  we're entering the felony phase of hardcore homelessness, but three squares and a bed gratis make for an acceptable option for settling in for the winter.

The 27 has a load capacity of  750 pounds, leaving a huge 550 cargo capacity... but with very little space to store it. The all-metal frame allows for ample modification, however - I'm thinking an overhead awning with a Yamika Rocketbox for an all-weather solution to sidewalk sailing.

The main problem with the "Mart Cart" is the pathetic factory front wheels. Barely an inch in radius, the drag coefficient on anything but the most even surfaces is atrocious. Fortunately, with rear-wheel drive,  the free-wheeling front can be modified easily to accept more agile replacements. The main problem with this is that the square frame would severely limit the turning radius using any wheels that extend above the frame. I may need to install some pneumatic lifters...

Weight distribution is also a problem. I was thinking about a rumble seat, to pick up some homeless honeys along the way, but the XTIs are engineered for weight towards the front. And the basket has to stay: that's where my stuff goes. I guess I'll just have to settle for more porn on my Ipod.

The Ugly Stepsister Effect

The worst part of casting about for employment is the deafening silence; you throw your resume to the wind, and then silence. A phone call comes in - you speak to some enthusiastically interested party, and then silence. You go to an in-person interview, and then silence.

It certainly shines new light on the "Cinderella" story; if I were half-related to some hottie that got all the attention while I languished, shunned in her shadow, I'd be bitchy too.

Sure, competition is steep out there. Jobs are hard to come by. But you'd figure that, somewhere in 600 resumes, there'd be somebody out there desperate enough to hire a ten-year veteran of Internet Publishing. I can take being second best... but so far, the 600 folks that somehow have proven my betters have left the field. How much farther down the list do I rate? Am I Hot or Not?

Not.

At All.

I could take this personally, or I could blame the lazy damned mice in my apartment. Not one of them have done so much as measure me for a decent suit. Bitches.

Going Bi

The idea of homelessness, ideally, is that you start to denude yourself of excess possessions, leaving yourself with a horseblanket, a couple cans of soup, and a fern named Harry that you chat with when you get lonely.

I seem to be doing it wrong.

This weekend, I reclaimed an old friend from the landlord - a bicycle. A lordly beast of the byways, I picked this up a few years ago to navigate the town in green fashion and did so only long enough to figure out I'm not the "green" type. With gasoline creeping back towards a happy meal a gallon, however, green is becoming me, whether I like it or not.

So I am now a bum on a bike.

As you can see, there's not much on-board storage capacity, so either Harry and the Horseblanket will have to be assigned a GPS spider hole, or I'll be the first vagrant  in town with a rickshaw. I'll keep you informed.

Philadelphia would like to tax my blog.

From the Strange-but-True Department: The City of Philadelphia has decided to tax blogs.

Generally, I'd be immune; first off, I'm living across the river from the City of Brotherly Love. Secondly, I haven't attempted to eek any income from my rantings - as revenue streams go, blogs aren't one. And, finally, I've already incorporated in Delaware.

Still, it's a telling move of desperation. Government, like any business, is sensitive to economic reversal and loss of income. Mayor Nutty has been casting pretty widely for revenue to staunch the city's hemorrhaging deficit, most recently attempting to tax soda pop and tea by the ounce. By extending the existing Business Privilege Tax to the micro-monetized blogging community, Philadelphia is hoping to receive 300 dollars from anyone hoping to put their two cents in... at least, from those who hope to get a dollar or two back from it.

The Numbers Game

Coming in here from the outside, the whole 'Unemployment Thing' probably seems like a nebulously bad thing. It is bad - but it doesn't need to be nebulous.

The fine folks over at the Bureau of Labor Statistics recently compiled a report that makes things pretty clear, on the local level. You can go on over and study it in detail, or you can follow the easy breakdown below:

Burlington County:
2008 June Unemployment Rate: 4.8%
2009 June Unemployment Rate: 8.8%
2010 June Unemployment Rate: 9.1%
2010 August Unemployment Rate: 9.9%

Philadelphia Metro:
2008 June Unemployment Rate: 5.3%
2009 June Unemployment Rate: 8.1%
2010 June Unemployment Rate: 9.3%

Camden County:
2008 June Unemployment Rate: 5.8%
2009 June Unemployment Rate: 10.2%
2010 June Unemployment Rate: 10.6%

Camden Metro:
2008 June Unemployment Rate: 5.3%
2009 June Unemployment Rate: 9.6%
2010 June Unemployment Rate: 9.9%

In all cases, the number of jobs lost in the area has doubled, or nearly doubled, over the course of the last 104 weeks. Anyone unemployed for 99 weeks has no source of income, twice as much competition for the few available jobs on the market,  and no source of food or shelter provided by the county, state or nation.

No longer nebulous. Still bad.

Head-Hunted

Well, it's been some time since that has happened...

Yesterday's dental detour proved to be a headhunting firm - always an ego boost. And then you remember that the people who have shown such keen interest in you are not actually the folks who make the hiring decisions; sure, it's nice, but it's nowhere near a done deal. But it's another line in the water, and, as a writer, I've always wondered what its like to have an agent. You go, boys - earn that 10%!

Actually, these guys are the very best thing that can happen to you - they bridge the gap between needs: yours and the company's. And unlike the shmoe on the street, they do have direct access to the company decision maker. Treat them kindly, lads, and be capable - they're the closest thing to Santa Claus out there in this economy.

MJR4KE9FB82P

Like Pulling Teeth...

A rare third entry today: Today at 3PM, I was set for one of my very favorite pastimes - dentistry victim. Numbed, dumbed, drooling and prostrate, my personal tooth fairy was coming at me with a tiny boat hook when my phone rang.

'Scuse me... I have to take this...

And, naturally, it was a rare return call from some prospective employer. My timing has been uniformly impeccable lately.

Now, there are those who say that a vocabulary is an important asset in impressing hiring managers; I would like to add proper diction as a equally valuable tool. Sounding like a stroke victim does absolutely nothing for prospects during phone interviews.

Hopefully, my burbling explanation was sufficient to hold him off until tomorrow morning. Wish me luck - I'll keep you informed...

John Lee Hooker testifies

The President Needs Me. To Work. For Free.

This morning didn't bring any joy on the job front, but I did get a letter from Jackie Cornell-Bechelli, the new State Director for Organizing for America in New Jersey. She's looking for volunteers to help the president with the November election, and, since I have some time on my hands, naturally I came immediately to mind.

Always polite, I excused myself in my RSVP, explaining that my free time is spoken for in search of a roof and the occasional bowl of gruel. I hope she understands.

However, the missive got me thinking: The political machines are missing a real resource by ignoring the Beggar's Guild. We already carry signs, occupy high traffic areas, and are used to importuning pedestrians. In exchange for a few square meals and a flop, we'd be glad to have them sponsor us.

For a few square meals, a flop, and twenty bucks, we'd probably be willing to pretend we were sponsored by the other guy.

Our local highways are littered with people in cow suits waving at passers-by, bored college kids holding up signs shilling for Going-Out-Of-Business sales, and, in one particular case, Betsy Ross on a swing set inviting us to buy fudge. I think a wino with vomit down his shabby tee-shirt holding up a sign saying "Vote for Wally - He Made Me The Man I Am Today" would be worth at least a Jackson to somebody.

Have your people call our people - we'll work out a deal.

Bum Tech

Hobos, scavengers, tramps and moochers have been a constant in human history; I feel fortunate to have entered the field in the 21st century, the first period in which the well-prepared down-and-outer can share most of the luxuries of the gentry. Let me give you a run-down of my gear list.

1) A Handheld Global Positioning System. First and foremost in my arsenal, a handheld GPS solves one of the most difficult dilemmas of life-on-the-hoof: safe storage. With a few dollars invested in Home Depot paint cans and a collapsible shovel, a network of waterproof supply depots can be buried in the night, unseen by man, secured from jealous contemporaries, protected from the weather and instantly retrievable with the coordinates stored within its electronic guts. The idea using several billion dollars worth of satellite technology to find a fresh change of underwear and a Playstation Portable amuses me no end.

The next time you see a raggedy man wheeling down the highway, you can wonder - is he just shambling aimlessly, or heading off to a secret stash of Oreos and Speed Stick?

2) Rechargeable Batteries and Back-Up Power Supplies.  America runs on electricity, and today's hobo need not be Luddite. A covert rendezvous with an outside power socket can yield days worth of juice for anything from a flashlight to a laptop. The well-packed tramp should not be without a power strip, appropriate chargers and a brace of batteries.

Beyond batteries, technology's latest boon to the bum includes the portable power supply, capable of charging devices with USB power connections and the ability to directly power AC devices for a limited time. If I must huddle under a bridge, I refuse to do so without my Ipod, portable DVD player and transistor radio.

3) Wifi Internet. Every house on every street is bleeding free Internet for the tech-savvy homeless. Cracking a WEP-protected network is not difficult, and even WPA will fall given the proper onboard tools and some patience. Keep up with your email, check your stock portfolio, start arguments on 4chan - the world is yours from the comfort of a sheltering brace of bushes or the haven of a carelessly unlocked domestic shed.

4) A Digital Trunking Handheld Scanner. Living life on the lam means that the roofed residents and local constabulary are not fond of you. Avoiding legal entanglements is easier if you are not where the police are, or where they intend to be. A capable Uniden scanner with the local trunk monitored keeps you informed and ahead of your friendly neighborhood peacekeeper.

5) A Cell Phone. An interesting but vital piece of trivia: cell phones without plans or subscriptions can still contact emergency services. This can come in extremely handy for those most likely to suffer calamity with no normal means of summoning aid. And, of course, during quiet moments you can indulge in a few games of teeny tiny PacMan.

6) Crank Flashlight/Radio/Charger. The Swiss army knife of vagrant living, one never needs to be in the dark, out of touch or out of power with one of these babies at the ready. One of the most galling aspects of homelessness (after frostbite, exposure, starvation and heat stroke) is isolation. With minimal effort, you can pass the night listening to college radio, while considering the practical applications of Camus' "The Stranger." Living grubby doesn't mean you need to be uncultured.

Monday Employment Round-up!

Welcome to the first Monday Weekend Round-Up!

Here, we'll be reviewing the positions advertised as available in Sunday's job sections within a twenty mile radius of Center City. The stated population of the area is 1,447, 395, with an 11.8% unemployment rate - that would make the number of local mooches 159,213.

Today's magic jobs number: 72

This includes:

16 positions within the Navy
14 positions within Software and Network Engineering
13 positions for Experienced Management in various fields
9 positions for various Medical professionals

leaving 20 positions listed Sunday for the rest of us bums. Let's get crackin'!

A Wedding and Two Funerals: Monster-Mania, Day Two.

Well - things started well enough.

Somewhat guiltily, I approached Herschell Gordon Lewis Saturday morning, in search of self-marketing advice. I had imposed myself enough on his time already, and the last thing I wanted to do was become a bother. Not surprisingly, however, he was every bit the gentleman I had come to expect, and more. After a quick analysis, he shared his opinion on my best approach and target market, and then, incredibly, offered himself as one of my personal references.

That was... astounding. From both a business and entertainment standpoint, Lewis has long been a man I've held in the greatest admiration, and his offer of endorsement made me feel like Jimmy Olsen getting a slap on the back from Superman. In addition, of course, a man with his monumental standing in the Marketing community can't help but to carry weight on a resume.

(Sad-but-true addendum: After spending so much time with him in discussion, I frankly did not dare to ask him for an autograph - it seemed beneath our discussion, and I didn't want him to think less of me. So I had my friend sneak me one under pretense.)

After what I considered a spectacular public Q&A later in the day, sudden storm clouds gathered on the horizon. The organizer had scheduled Herschell's film premiere at the same time as the Q&A for director John Carpenter, cutting deeply into his prospective audience, and there was additional friction of a business sort that I immediately distanced myself from. As a guy who works 40 hours in a weekend for three pizza slices, I was not a party to - nor, in this case, did I want to be party to - financial dealings between a promoter I've worked with for eight years and a guest I have admired for twenty, and especially one who had proven to be a true friend and ally this weekend.

My fractured relationship with Sid Haig still fresh in my mind, I am all too aware of the concept of guilt by association. I hoped that things wouldn't get worse. But I fear they may have.

After nine hours on my feet and active, I found my time at Lewis' premiere a little shattered - no one gave me a memo on the Saturday Pizza CARE package, so I was driven to grab a quick bite, and a subsequent call of nature made my presence - and sporadic lack thereof - all too obvious, I suspect. At the finish of premiere, we shared no words... Troubling. I hope that time will allow him to separate his perceived slights at the convention from our earnest conversations.

At the very last minute, I was able to snag Bancroft's front desk number from my friend and colleague; sadly, with an apparently high turnover rate, she could not provide me with a contact name. Still, a number and a person on the inside pulling for me is a wonderful gift of coincidence for a position I applied for only a day before. Come Monday, I'll see if I can tactfully exploit them.

Opportunity and Adventure: Monster-Mania, Day One.

Networking, they say, is key to a job search in the 21st Century; it seems like they may be on to something.

Fan conventions may be a little carnival and geek-ridden, but there's a certain camaraderie that develops between folks that work for pizza slices to keep the show on track. I was surprised - and not slightly delighted - to find an unexpected ally in the ranks of the convention volunteers.

My last official application of the week was to Bancroft Neurohealth - a leading provider of programs and supports for children and adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities, autism and acquired brain injuries. They were looking for someone to maintain and build out their website, which seemed perfect for me - I had built out the Occupational Training Center of New Jersey's site last year, so I was well aware of their mission and goals.

My colleague at the convention mentioned that she worked for Bancroft, which led to a discussion and an alliance; I now have a number and name to go with that Internet advertisement, and - most helpfully - a person inside that may prove to be my salvation. Time will tell.

In addition, I had the opportunity to speak at length with Herschell Gordon Lewis. Attending the convention representing his film work, Herschell is better known in business circles as a Marketing Guru of the very highest water. My opinion of the man as brilliant, open and gracious was cemented within moments of the start of our discussion, and that opinion only blossomed in the hours of discussion that followed.

Tomorrow, if time, opportunity and grace allow, I believe I will attempt to bend that magnificent brain of his towards the subject of personal marketing and the job search in our current economy. If he will allow the interview, I'll transcribe it in full and post it here. For the job seeker, the opinions of a man with his qualifications are worth many times their weight in gold.

Pre-Bum Personal Appearance this weekend!

Life goes on, and this weekend I'll be continuing an eight-year tradition moderating Q&A sessions at Monster-Mania at the Crown Plaza Hotel in Cherry Hill. It's old home week - I'll be talking to two old friends; Dick Warlock (Michael Myers in Halloween II, and Kurt Russel's personal stuntman for 25 years) and Herschell Gordon Lewis (The creator of the Gore Film and Marketing Guru extraordinaire, the first man to use product placement in movies, and the pioneer of direct mail marketing). In addition, I'll be chatting with Julian Sands (Boxing Helena, The Killing Fields, 24) and, depending on scheduling, I'll be hosting a reunion for stars from Friday the 13th.

Over the course of years, I've made hundreds of contacts in the film industry. Unfortunately, they don't mean much here on the East Coast, where a little influence would come in extremely handy right now. However, four shifts in front of an audience of 300-500 people does present a bully pulpit to bring "my" people here to BobneedsJob.com.

Herschell will be so proud...

This show will be bittersweet; the next show in Maryland is set for September, and will be the first I will  miss; by then, I will either be newly working, or on the street.

Neither option will allow for time off.

A Man of Means, by no means...

The Debut of the BobneedsJobmobile!

The three primary rules of real estate and outdoor advertising are said to be "Location, Location, Location," and this afternoon I'll be joining FTD, Terminex and your local pizza delivery guy in trumpeting my cause to the world. Soon, I'll be a mobile fixture of the open highway.  I'll snap some pictures for inclusion later; until then, behold this startling re-creation.

Ordinarily, writers aren't the most extroverted of critters, and the idea of tooling down the highway in a decked-out clowncar should be incredibly embarrassing. Strangely, I'm feeling a little exuberant. Nothing else has worked in this economy, and there's something cheerful about making the workaday world a little more surreal.

Just to be on the safe side, I also ordered a smaller set, for use on "My Other Car Is A Shopping Cart." With only two payments left until I hit the magic "99 Weeks," I have to be prepared for any eventuality.

Ground broken on Bobneedsjob.com

If you've happened here by way of my advertising, welcome to my temporary home away from homepage on Blogger. But never fear - ground has been officially broken on Bobneedsjob.com, the Joomla!- driven website component in my media blitz for employment.

To differentiate between these two sites, here you can track my daily foiled attempts at employment and subsequent personal appearances with a shopping cart on a street near you. On the proper site, we'll be tracking the day-to-day employment picture for the area by way of the local newspaper advertisements, and interviewing the local police, politicos and governmental agencies involved in keeping people like me off your streets, and possibly alive.

I know. I am, by definition, a person with too much time on my hands. But give me credit - I'm trying like crazy to reduce it, preferably by 40 hours a week or more.

You can't get there from here

My most recent rooting through the job listings turned out not one but two possible positions at Comcast - perfect matches for my qualifications and experience. One was an open position for a content creator, the other for an online editor; both jobs I maintained, simultaneously, for ten years.

As you can imagine, I was thrilled to forage through their four-page application, and I hit the SUBMIT button with supreme confidence. Within minutes, I received an email confirmation.

"Thank you for applying for the position of Staff Accountant (2)..."

No. That's not right...

An exhaustive search of the site offered no options for contacting the company's Human Resources department - or any department at all, for that matter. Vexed, I simply assumed that there was some tremor in the Interwebs, and applied again - with precisely the same result.

Obviously, the human touch was needed.

I moseyed down to my local Comcast office, and sought out a pulse. Not surprisingly, the locals don't handle Human Resource tasks - surprisingly, however, they don't handle technology or communications issues, either. "That's the Internet - you'd have to get in touch with them."

How? They knew not; like Zardoz, the Internet - and Comcast's presence on it - was some mystical sentient machine that hovered someplace fifty feet in the air above a wind blasted prairie.

Feeling especially flexible, I decided to beard the monster in his lair. I chatted with the Internet.

The Internet, after understanding that my service was not endangered, I had rebooted my application and the problem lie in a database glitch, assured me that the problem was not the Internet: it was a Human Resources mistake. Contacting Human Resources, however, was beyond its ken. It suggested the local office, the website FAQ, and finally settled on the idea that my best course of action was to apply a third time through the Internet. Is there anything else it could help me with? I thanked it, and told it I didn't think so.

I took two courses in accountancy during my Marketing degree - perhaps the exercise was not completely in vain. But y'know... what Comcast really needs is a good, experienced online editor.

Solicitations from Senator Lautenberg

It's been a month since I played pen-pal with Senator Frank Lautenberg, and guess who just called me?

No - Zach did.

Zach works out of the Senator's Trenton office, and he sent many happy returns from Frank; specifically, he happily returned me to Senator Diane Allen, and the Burlington County Board of Chosen Freeholders. It was explained to me that the Senator doesn't really actually involve himself with the state of the state so much. Not as such.

He's more of a hands-off kind of guy.

I was informed, however, that if at any time I needed to call his office for help, don't hesitate. I asked Zach what specific kind of help I can call the Senator for.

He hesitated. That was a bit of a stumper.

It ends up, I can call Zach to find out who else I can call that isn't Frank Lautenberg, preferably Diane Allen. This is a great comfort to me; of all the folks I did contact, Diane Allen is the only one who didn't bother to check my pulse. Now I can call his Zach to get her Zach.

Clearly, progress is being made.

And now, a word from our sponsor...

"A Writer writes. Always." I don't often take job advice from Billy Crystal, especially after The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, but lately I've been a lot less particular about career guidance. And, as advice goes, it matches the best I've gotten from professional councilors. No one really knows what works in today's economy - be passive, be aggressive, be passive-aggressive... bring whatever talents you may have to bear.

And a writer writes.

Although my past life involved much more than pushing words around, it is becoming more and more undeniable that communication with a larger audience is vital to connecting with some form of employment. And that, gentle reader, is why I have lured you here.

Hi there.

I'll try to keep you entertained here - no one wants to lose an audience - and I ask you to notice I have not tried to monetize this site in any way. But the purpose of the site is self explanatory, and I'm asking for your assistance.

A quick look at my resume will give you an idea of the scope of my abilities; if you'd rather not, however, I'd be glad to give you a quick run-down right here. Ten years of Internet publishing experience, including journalism, column work, blogging, navigation design, vertical site construction, content management systems, search engine optimization, public speaking, online editing, file transfer protocol, HTML, Adobe Create Suite, Microsoft Office, Joomla!, video editing... and so much more.

I should also point out that I am fully capable of anything beneath those lofty qualifications. To those who might think I may be "overqualified" for a lesser position, I would like to suggest that I am even more overqualified for park bench naps and dumpster diving. My optimal employment in this economy involves an income sufficient to keep a roof over my head - and, preferably, Showtime.  

Dexter is coming up, after all.

From Philadelphia to Vineland, from Glassboro to New Brunswick - I'm out here, I'm available, and I'm beyond eager to find a steady source of cutter to keep me solvent. Subscribe me, tweet me, see me, feel me, touch me, heal me. Tell your friends, relatives, Human Resource people and neighbors about the madman with the blog. Become part of my network - me and my career councilor will thank you.

Feel free (extremely so) to write me at bobneedsjob@gmail.com - Or yahoo.com, for that matter. Words of good cheer, job leads, and offers of matrimony from monied matrons are all warmly encouraged. I thank you.

Now, back to your regular chatter.

Eine kleine nachtmusik

Going Mobile

There comes a point when the job search becomes Kafkaesque; with only thirty days remaining until I join the ranks of the homeless, my friends at New Jersey's "One Stop" Employment Center are begging me to spend no more than two hours online, searching for employment. Instead, I'm told, I should go to McDonald's and pester random customers who may know someone who may have a friend - who has a friend - that might know of a job.

That is a true statement.

This is the professional opinion of a job search expert.

This is what the economy has come to.

As to McDonald's, I've had people flip me off there for making them wait as the server nuked my Fillet O' Fish; not only doesn't this seem like sound marketing, I'm pretty sure it's solicitation, and illegal. Far be it from me, however...  I promised to go to and get some business cards printed.

And so I did.

It was at check-out, however, that this absurd exercise took on new life. Why pester pedestrians one at a time, when I can accost hundreds of commuters on the highway?  If, in fact, the economy has turned a job search to mass marketing, a broadsheet serves better than a business card. And so, my car is now a traveling billboard.

To my new, mobile readers, welcome to the New American Economy. Welcome to my world. To the left, you'll find my resume - if you have a friend who has a friend that can use the talents of a 10-year veteran of Internet publishing, I'd appreciate it if you'd send them my way. And, if you don't, I invite you to stay for the ride. Life is about to get interesting, and I invite you to follow the adventures of the most literate bum you know.

That would be me.

Unemployment - outside of politics

I have avoided - and will continue to avoid - the political aspects of long-term unemployment in here; I consider the situation... darkly humorous.

There are those who believe that a Tier V addition to unemployment is unnecessary, but have nothing to offer citizens that exhaust their benefits. Perhaps they assume that people will pop, like balloons, after 99 weeks and disappear from the face of the planet. Unfortunately, this isn't the case - they'll hang around.

They'll hang around the streets, around the parks, around the temperature-controlled shopping malls. They'll hang around the convenience stores in the suburbs, begging for change - a guy has to eat.

Despite the charm of living under the open sky and the healthy breeze of bracing autumn  mornings, your average ex-employee may find life on the road a jarring, demoralizing turn. Under the circumstances, I would think that alcohol may become a welcome daily distraction. People may decide that, with their social contract officially broken with society, a little bit of petty thievery and misdemeanor behavior would not be inappropriate to survive.

The only socially acceptable alternative to unemployment is employment - and employment that allows you to keep fed with a roof over your head is scarce to extinct. The only alternative is the open road; Burlington County NJ has no plans - nor any plans in the offing - for the feeding and housing of a burgeoning population of tramps.

Ignore the problem, and it will go away. Except it won't.

To be frank - and arrogant - I will not go gently into that good night. I have the aspect and education to give any existing part-time job a run for its money, and if they exist, I'll be taking two of them. And, under the circumstances, if that leads to one of my other hobo brethren littering the genteel streets of my hometown, so be it. Moorestown cops will transport their bums to the outskirts of Delran, Delran cops will transport theirs to Cinnaminson, and Cinnaminson will transport them back to Moorestown. The hobo-go-round will rotate the faces, but not change the numbers.

As I've stated earlier, when the genie is loosed from the bottle, it won't go away easily; a solid work history, a good credit score and glowing references are all necessary to find an apartment. The unhomed are unqualified for rehousing, even if they find employment. So, lacking a public housing alternative, when they hit the street, they're there for the long term.

Is this a "Dire Prediction," a "Crackpot Rant," or simple economics? Google news - "Tent Cities." Coming to your hometown soon.

Must be available to work other hours as necessary

One of the logical arguments put forward on the unemployment front is, "Well, why not get yourself a part time job? At least it's something." In actuality, it's not - not when you "Must be available to work other hours as necessary."

Taking two part-time jobs would solve my problems - but, in the New American Economy, I'm only allowed to have one.

Employment being at a premium these days, the folks with the checkbooks are spending the money with ruthless wisdom; avoiding the expense of full-time employees, they still need to be able to cover all  operating hours with a minimum workforce, including possible absences or employee turnover. Thus, a part-time position now includes being on-call, unpaid, outside of assigned shifts.

Needless to say, the possibility of stacking jobs when one - or both - require random access to your weekday is approximately nil. As sure as the sun rises, one job or the other will demand hours you've already committed elsewhere.

As a result, to qualify for a majority of available part-time jobs - including Comcast, Wawa, McDonalds - you must agree to live on $200.00 weekly gross, which over the course of a month will allow you to either live indoors or eat, maintain a vehicle, pay for electricity and continue to receive outside communications. Neither choice, alone, is viable for survival.

It's something, all right... just not enough.

"People will have to become entreprenuers..."

That quote came from one of the good folks over at New Jersey's "One Stop" employment center, in regard to what is seen as "The New American Economy." The gist of the conversation was, if you can't offer an employer something quantifiably profitable, you'd better find something quantifiably profitable for yourself.

The definition of "Quantifiably Profitable" may be nebulous in terms of employment, but it's crystal clear in regard to the unemployable. Get a spray bottle and a squeegee, boys - you're on your own.

There are some brave souls that are born for entrepreneurship, and some of them actually succeed. Not a majority, but some.

Ordinarily, those successful business owners start part-time, in order to hold a job while the new venture takes root. That also helps to provide seed money for the infant business, since the helpless little concern will die without a continuous stream of capital as it grows to independence.

Under this New American Economy, however, the unemployed need to find a start-up with a low initial cash outlay, and a veneer-thin overhead. Three options come immediately to mind.

1)  The Lemonade Stand: seasonal, but sure, the lemonade stand can be maintained with a cooler, a few bags of ice, a couple jugs of Crystal Light and a sleeve of dixie cups.

You'll need a marker and a piece of cardboard for advertising.

Your ideal market segment is the on-the-go consumer who seeks refreshment and does not trust vending machines. You're the human touch - the friendly vendor of high-quality summer beverage. Customer Service is key here - this is a job tailor made for a "people person."

Remember that you must keep your product cost below $1.25 - the cost of 12-ounce cans in a vending machine. Price your product with serving size in mind.

2)  Red Light Window Washing: A squeegee, a spray bottle and a corner is all you need; but with the low overhead comes long hours. Red Light Window Washers work on tips - there is no guarantee of payment from one windshield to the next.

Once again, customer service and a positive mental attitude is key. In the old days, a well-dressed automotive attendant offered this service at filling stations with a smile. You're taking over that job: a nice, white shirt, a tie and a can-do attitude can get you far. Try to find a high-traffic corner, and be prepared to change locations often when the local constabulary shooes you away.

Be prepared for high competition in this industry, as the economy continues to spawn forced entrepreneurs. Those with management experience may want to consider franchising.

3)  Apples:  It's the traditional, time-tested depression favorite. That and pencils, but nobody writes longhand anymore.

On the bright side, the current trend towards healthy eating is ripe for a resurgence in apple vending. One a day keeps the doctor away - perfect for those without health insurance. It's a win-win situation for both you and your customers.

I'm going to give you one additional tip that I was saving for myself - dressing in depression-period clothing gives you undeniable visual appeal, and sends a clear message about your intent. It's a winner.

Anybody have the GPS coordinates?

Times that try men's souls: on to Valley Forge!

When your specialty is hooking up nouns and phrases and clauses, jobs are scarce outside of Conjunction Junction. That's what you get for not doing a real job. So, today's foray into the world of boundless optimism takes me to a Randstat opportunity at the site of George Washington's darkest hour.

Opportunities like these, directly seeking a person who does exactly what you had been doing for a decade, tend to be the most exciting - and frustrating - job listings one runs into. Logic and pride dictate that, naturally, you are the only person who could possibly fill this position. Experience and reality, on the other hand, tend to prove that not only aren't you the only one, but there is still a very good chance you won't be given so much as the courtesy of a nice "Get Lost" letter.

There is a certain amount of irony in the fact that, with time ticking away to personal disaster, my current last, best hope of redemption may lie in at the scene of Washington's greatest hardship.

Reviewing his options while wintering  at Valley Forge, Washington wrote, "If all else fails, I will retreat up the valley of Virginia,  plant my flag on the Blue Ridge, rally around the Scotch-Irish of that region and make my last stand for liberty amongst a people who will never submit to British tyranny whilst there is a man left to draw a trigger."

At least George had a back up plan. I don't think the Blue Ridge Scotch-Irish are my demographic...

In search of a suitable hat

Life without a roof means a life in the sun, and with it, the melanoma that flesh is heir to. This, I suppose, is why most hobos, tramps and bums are ordinarily pictured in haberdashery. Although not ordinarily a clothes horse, I would hate to break a long standing tradition. So, I am in search of a suitable chapeau.

Chaplin - and most of the Keystone tramp comics - favored the bowler as the symbol of crumbled prosperity, while the Depression era hobos tended towards the ubiquitous fedora. In modern times, the hoodie and baseball cap combination has been the downtrodden's choice.

I've never been one to follow the crowd, and as I have already laid claim to the bum moniker "The Professor" for this Depression (imitators, take note - ®), I think I need to choose more in keeping with my position in the hobo community as the smartest bum on the block.

I've become partial to the Henschel Breezer, in earth tones to hide the dirt. Old-school collegiate hatband, with a wide 2.5-inch brim to keep the radiation at bay, the hat holds its style well while still looking capable and suitably "outdoorsy."

Admittedly, my first choice would have been a classic fedora, but I'm afraid that with my khakis and messenger bag, people would mistake me for a bloated Indiana Jones.

A group of hungry people, talking about steak

Human Services buildings score high on the misery scale, right behind trauma centers and police stations; if you're there, and not paid to remain there, you've got some pretty dire problems cooking. Everyone is familiar with Emma Lazarus' lines from The New Colossus etched on the Statue of Liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." These buildings are where society cashes that invitation's checks.

Today, as part of the huddled masses, I invaded the basement of one of these buildings to re-acquaint myself with an old nemesis; The Professional Services Group. It is an odd duck program; unlike most of the activities in buildings like this one, it is aimed at the white collar workers.

The people that, in theory, were never supposed to end up here.

My first experience with the concept was not promising - in fact, it bordered on the delusional. Set adrift from the workaday world, it was the business world recreated in microcosm, in a small cloistered room at the end of some anonymous hallway. There, people marched in at nine in the morning sharp in full business attire, and wrote newsletters to each other. The topics were surreal, considering the sources - "How to find and keep your dream job," by Eddie Kloyski... an 8-month unemployed middle manager.

Once enough of these pearls were strung together, they were printed out, collated and stapled, and everybody who contributed got a copy. Then a pile was left on a table somewhere, in case some passing drifter needed free enlightenment.

In between issues, they would interview each other, offering the kind of sage Human Resources advice that can only come from someone who has never actually worked in Human Resources before.

It was make-work; it was a support group, disguised as positive action. It was an illusion of normality in an extremely abnormal situation for people used to having some control and function in their lives. In the end, it was a non-reality I could not subscribe to.

And so, here I am in a different building, the same program, and a laced, tacit promise of a different mindset. Laced with warnings of "clunkers" and "troublemakers" that didn't fit the program. And, among the handouts... a newsletter.

I wonder - does my skepticism rank me as a "Clunker" and "Troublemaker?" It wouldn't be the first time.

What do you do with 5 million bums?

The current estimate of  folks who have run through their unemployment and remain without jobs and income is floating around the 5 million mark here in the good ol' USA, leaving me to wonder what exactly you do with that many rampaging hobos on the loose. To put that number in perspective, we could fill the Lincoln Financial field 73 times. Including the cheap seats.

Another way of looking at it is, there are twice as many tramps as there are people behind bars in America, and that number is growing monthly at an alarming pace. How alarming? In July, the government reported the total number of unemployed at 14.6 million - which is about the same number of people out of work during the Great Depression. This number does not include 8.5 million working part-time because full-time work is not available, nor the 2.6 million "marginally attached to the labor force," who have simply given up looking for work. That brings the government number up to 24.7 million potential panhandlers and Hooverville residents in total.

For those playing at home, that's approaching twice the number of folks down on their heels during the Great Depression, and a number that continues to grow monthly.

The insidious angle to this is, as the final door closes behind these people, it closes with finality. Rental agreements require good credit ratings, security deposits and first-and-last month's rent, standards and ready cash that the long-term bum isn't going to be able to meet, even if they can secure some kind of wage after falling off the grid. Once they're out on the street, they're going to be staying there for a while.

The Phone Interview

Today I had another in a continuing series of phone interviews. For the uninitiated, the phone interview is a means of quick disqualification for a culled group of qualified applicants. In essence, if you receive a phone interview, a face-to-face interview is not yours to win - it's yours to lose.

The tricky bit is that a phone interview is like a like hitting a piñata; there is no possible way of telling whether you're saying the right thing or wrong thing until you receive a concrete notice of an on-site interview... or not. I have not yet had a phone interview that ended with anything less than a veiled hint that the rest of the applicants were just a formality. And yet, here I sit.

In this particular case, I was told that there were ten other applicants to screen; three, perhaps four, will be granted a face-to-face interview, after which a candidate will most likely be chosen to fill the position.

There are a number of sites online that offer suggestions for succeeding in a phone interview, but none clearly elucidate the most important aspect - that this is not an interview designed to bring you in - it is an interview to exclude you. For example, in this interview the tone of the interview was extremely upbeat and positive... until the following question came up:

"Now, as to salary... we're not sure where... we haven't set a salary for this position yet. What would you consider fair?'

Here, to me, was an exclusionary point. With ten years experience and a mid-five figure salary in the past, I may have priced myself out of consideration. In the past, dancing around the subject with the word "negotiable" would have been appropriate. In this economy, however...

I chose to inform the interviewer of my circumstance, and placed my minimum salary requirements precisely at my unemployment payment level - roughly half my former salary - with a slight increase to cover expected yearly travel expenses. "Beyond that," I continued, "anything more would be largesse."

There are those who would argue that honesty may not be the best policy. Most of those people have not experienced unemployment in this economy. The fact is, I would work for that wage at this point, and stating so honestly, explaining the circumstance - while making it clear that a more reasonable sum would be appreciated - places me absolutely in the position-to-beat. Other applicants would have to surpass my level of experience and not price themselves out of contention before taking my place on the hiring line.

At least, that's what I believe. Welcome to the land of piñata. I'll keep you informed.

Sign Me Up!

Life on the open road does not preclude the need to eat; dumpster diving is a short-term solution, but you'll find out quickly that food that is not mottled, dank and discarded is one of the great pleasures in life. For that, you're going to need cash. And you're going to have to collect it, a quarter at a time.

In preparation for living off the land, I've been researching bum signs. One of the more creative aspects of street living, it's a combination of street art and practical marketing that can pay off in a solid meal without the need for a paycheck.

Besides the need for a steady stream of foot traffic (more on that later), the success or failure of your panhandling endeavor largely depends on the strength of your advertising. Unlike the traditional job search, mooching is an entirely egalitarian endeavor, paid for by fans of your personal style and message. Here are some quick tips to succeed as a human billboard.

1) Size matters - No one wants to see a bum; your disturbing appearance in the tidy order of the working world is unnerving. People will avoid your gaze, and instead acquaint themselves with the details of the pavement beneath their feet, or suddenly feel the need to check their watches. To suceed, you need to engage at a distance, create a positive initial impression and somehow cull goodwill from an apathetic audience in a matter of seconds. That's going to require a sign that can be read from at least 12' away. You're going to need a minimum of 3'X 2' for a canvas, with the optimum size being 4'X 3'.

Your message must be concise, in a large font for ease of reading from a distance. Keep in mind that, at an average walking pace, pedestrians cover 1.5 feet per second. That's 90 feet per minute. Your message must engage and produce an intent to contribute in a fraction of that.

2) SOB stories don't sell - Your condition is inherent in your mission; I repeat, your disturbing appearance among the employed on the street is unnerving. Underscoring this point on your sign will harm your campaign, unless you are trying for the hardcore pity payment, in which case you'll need to work on your appearance to seem especially helpless and downtrodden.

Most of our new wave hobos will come from a position of economic downturn; it's a situation that pedestrians can relate to, and therefore it is best to engage your audience from the position of a helpless equal. In the thirties, the phrase was, "Brother, can you spare a dime?" Everything that is old is new again - this is your ideal panhandling positioning.

3) Adopt a position of penance - It could be argued that panhandling is your job; you must do it correctly to see profit from it. Avoid headphones, or other means of entertainment. Any sign that you are coping with your situation easily will dissuade possible contributors. Remember - panhandling is the ultimate in public relations; avoid any signal that might cloud your message. You are unemployed - you want to be employed - you are a destitute but honest citizen of a crumbling economy. Brother, can you spare a dime?

4) Self-effacing is best - Political rants are not only useless, but will dissuade otherwise willing contributors by assaulting their belief system.Similarly, anger or bitterness makes you a less appealing figure. A gentle message with self-effacing humor is your best bet to catch the attention and sympathy of the working masses.

Which to use: shopping carts and the homeless off-roader

Everyone likes to be prepared for major life changes. In expectation of my imminent homelessness, I decided to do some research into the best available bum winnebago, for cartage and storage while living life on the hoof.

Expect a full report in my upcoming "Bobneedsjob.com," but for those of you in need of a quick overview, here we go.


1) Avoid Convenience Carts. Sure, they look sporty, and your needs may seem modest. At first glance, they seem to be perfect companions for an out-on-the-street lifestyle. But the several factors limit the convenience cart in both form and function.

Note the small wheelbase: almost all of the model 5 cart setbacks can be linked back to the out-of-store instability caused by the 23"X10" trapezoidal wheelbase.

At 32 pounds, the convenience cart allows for a mere 2,500 cubic inch storage area in the main basket, with another reported 2,700 cubic inches available in the lower tray. Keeping in mind that the lower tray is all but useless during long-range, varied terrain travel, the weight-to-carriage ratio is impossibly high.

In addition - once again due to the small wheelbase - the convenience cart is extremely unstable in topheavy situations. It doesn't take much overfilling to create an inbalance that will lead to roll-overs in tight turns, on unstable terrain, and even caused by pavement cracks and minor potholes.

Keep in mind that, although the convenience cart and full shopping cart share the same handle height at 39 inches, the full shopping cart holds its base load only sixeen inches off the road, while the convenience cart carries its high-boy basket almost three feet in the air. This makes for an atrocious center of gravity for all but the most forgiving of circumstances.

Forgo the convenience cart; you'll thank me for it later.

2) Plastic or Steel?

Now that we've settled on the full-sized cart as your primary means of storage and transport, the question comes to whether you should liberate a plastic cart or the old, classic steel Bessie.

In both cases, road stability is vastly improved by its 24" X 39" footprint; both on-road and off, spillage is almost impossible to achieve accidentally, making the classic cart a solid performer.

With a spacious 18,000 cubic inch capacity and a stable, low center of gravity, it's practically a no-brainer. Add to that the convenience of the quick-access seating area for frequently used items, and you're all set for a life on the road.

The question comes down to whether you should seek either the steel or plastic basket as your home-away-from-homelessness. The answer is esoteric, and dependent on your hobo lifestyle.

The steel cart weighs in at a hefty 63 pounds while its plastic cousin weighs in at 48; this gives the plastic cart an initial advantage in cargo headroom, but the answer may not be all in the weight.

A shopping cart serves many purposes in off-the-grid living. Not just a means of property transport, sometimes it must double as emergency shelter - at which point the steel cart shows it's massive advantage.

For rigidity and strength, plastic carts use X-Ribs to beef the structure. This may be fine for transport, but agonizing as even a temporary living structure. The ribs cut into every area of pressure contact, making for an agonizing oasis against the elements. A light, folded blanket, on the other hand, will pad the steel cage mesh brilliantly, making your time inside vastly more bearable.

Those with a tent, a fridge box or lean-to in the bushes may consider a plastic cart to for the benefits of a lighter carriage weight, while heavy duty rangers should consider the daily versatility of a metal rig.

Full on Media Blitz!

Welcome to "Bob Needs Job - The Blog." I'm Bob. I need a job. Hiya.

It was suggested that blogging might be the key to gainful employment... or, at the very least, a means to make me the first homeless superstar.

I can hardly wait.

I figure that if I'm going to do this, I may as well go down in spectacular flames. I shall build a media empire on my destruction. To that end, I have branded myself. ©

Welcome to the Bob Needs Job media empire: Join me as I fall through the cracks of society and gradually lose my dignity, possessions, sanity and end up tottering down the street with a straggly beard, pushing a shopping cart and talking to myself. I've made it easy to track my descent - behold my holdings:

1) Bobneedsjob.com - Coming soon, my Joomla masterpiece of descent into poverty. We'll be reviewing shopping carts for best mileage, cat food critique, breaking news on the freshest garbage to forage, and so much more. Join me, won't you?

Joomla is no problem; I'm pretty competent with the back end stuff. At one time, I would have called that one of my saleable skills. If you know anyone who's buying, please do let me know.

2) Bob Needs Job - The Blog - Why, here you are already! You really are one of the early adapters of the electronic frontier. Just think - you'll be able to say, "I remember him when he still had a roof over his head." Here, you and I will chat and muse on the many aspects of a life with no prospects.

I maintained a weekly column for several years; the difference between this blog and that column is that one I was paid for, and this one I'm doing for absolutely free. Of course, you get what you pay for.


3) Bob Needs Job - The Twitter - Because you just have to know what I'm doing at any moment in my exciting, jobless day. I'll keep you up-to-the-moment with my inaction! Follow me - I'm moving mighty slow.


4) Bob Needs Job - The Facebook - This is where I book my face.There will be exciting, exclusive online secrets I'll only tell my shabby BFFs in Facebook - nowhere else. There - don't you feel left out already? Well, there's good news tonight - I'm not very particular about my friends. Join my inner circle - friend me today! Or tomorrow, I don't care.

Need to contact me? No problem! You can contact Bob Needs Job through every possible email dumpster:

bobneedsjob@gmail.com
bobneedsjob@yahoo.com
bobneedsjob@aol.com
bobneedsjob@hotmail.com
bobneedsjob@mail.com

Send me your job opportunities, viagra advertisements, naughty pictures and secret messages!